It is so important to accept the life with pain

After jumping into the water there are ripples going in circles. Observing them drives me to some reflections on my life. The effect of my life on my family (and friends) is exactly like those ripples. No one can live a life of their own. Well, some people perhaps try, but this is not possible. I myself sometimes wanted to have a life of isolation, to spare my family all the problems they have with me. The worst aspect of daily pain is the effect it has on people. However, I realized it is no good to separate myself from the world, especially from my family. Feeling their presence is invaluable. Love is something that makes our lives worth living. Interaction with other people reminds us we’re all human and all the problems and trouble we have is a part and consequence of it.
The onset of my illness took place when my children were in high school. For three years I tried to work, but in the end I had to resign, so we lost my income. My husband worked full-time at school and he also worked full-time nights. Our children both had a part-time job when they started college. I felt so guilty. I knew that didn’t contribute financially to my kids’ education. The ridiculously small sum from Social Security was not enough. Often I felt terribly guilty, I could barely stand it.
When I’m thinking about all of these now, I feel it had some good aspects. Our children are more independent, sensitive, they appreciate their college education. They have made great careers in the medical field. When I had to give up work, my husband never complained about it. We had to learn to do without some things we could earlier afford, but it was my continual complaining that made my husband mad. I felt guilty about the fact that we had to limit our needs and, for instance, travel less or put less money in savings. I tried to soothe my conscience by underlining these facts too often. In the end I got sick of my own complaining. I realized that I can’t spend my whole life like this, because it’s not going to last forever.
Now I reconciled to the fact that I inherited such genes from my father and it is not my fault. Neither it was my father’s fault to have inherited the genes from my grandmother. I know that, although my life is difficult, I have some contributions to make to this world. My life is not the same as it was many years ago, but it’s not over. I learned to live with my pain as an integral part of my life.

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